A clandestine office in a high tower. Original art pieces of giant pink flowers decorate all four walls. To the left of the door, a rainbow statue of a female torso with sharp nipples stands sentinel, greeting all who enter. The Grandmaster now hunches in the center of the room, head nearly buried between the stirrups in which Agent Vagina is performing a typical spread eagle, thighs semi-clad with a perfunctory white sheet. Coldfinger now pokes and inspects Agent V’s hairy exterior with a tiny metal shaft. Pausing and peering above the sheet to examine her direct report’s silent cringe, she speaks with little emotion. “You might as well close your eyes and think of Asian porn, Agent Double-O-Face.”
There’s an evil rumor out there telling lies about Vagina Owners. And, much like all guys wearing skinny jeans, it will be rooted out and destroyed. But first, here’s a Creation Story about how Penis Dummies were expelled from Eden:
Eager to earn your dignity as an honored Cum Dumpster? Ready to be made-love-to like a defenseless tube sock? Terrified your days of being dick-smacked in the face are. . . Over? Then Welcome, Vagina Vigilante, to the War on Penis Terror!
“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they will inherit the Shaft.” (Angry Vagina Psalm: 11-33.)
Dear Priestess of the Blessed Vagina,
As you know, we have a fuzzy supernatural being in our lives. She excretes Holy Wine, begs you for Carbs of Christ, and commands you to perform penance for wrongdoings by giving her “Hail Vagina” massages. Such is the nature of the Holy One, known to Thee as Angry V.