A clandestine office in a high tower. Original art pieces of giant pink flowers decorate all four walls. To the left of the door, a rainbow statue of a female torso with sharp nipples stands sentinel, greeting all who enter. The Grandmaster now hunches in the center of the room, head nearly buried between the stirrups in which Agent Vagina is performing a typical spread eagle, thighs semi-clad with a perfunctory white sheet. Coldfinger now pokes and inspects Agent V’s hairy exterior with a tiny metal shaft. Pausing and peering above the sheet to examine her direct report’s silent cringe, she speaks with little emotion. “You might as well close your eyes and think of Asian porn, Agent Double-O-Face.”
Dear Mr. Penis-Owning Dummie,
There’s an evil rumor out there telling lies about Vagina Owners. And, much like all guys wearing skinny jeans, it will be rooted out and destroyed. But first, here’s a Creation Story about how Penis Dummies were expelled from Eden:
~ DEAR VAGINA SOLDIER ~
Eager to earn your dignity as an honored Cum Dumpster?
Ready to be made-love-to like a defenseless tube sock?
Terrified your days of being dick-smacked in the face are. . .
Then Welcome, Vagina Vigilante, to the War on Penis Terror!
“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they will inherit the Shaft.” (Angry Vagina Psalm: 11-33.)
Dear Priestess of the Blessed Vagina,
As you know, we have a fuzzy supernatural being in our lives. She excretes Holy Wine, begs you for Carbs of Christ, and commands you to perform penance for wrongdoings by giving her “Hail Vagina” massages. Such is the nature of the Holy One, known to Thee as Angry V.
PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED "PENIS CUSTODIANS":
Dear Mr. DNA Dispenser,
Due to Angry-Lonely-Penis backlash to previous entries on "The Adventures of Angry Vagina", Angry V is compelled to remind you that she will not be contained. She gives no shits about 'fitting inside your box'.
Go fit yourself in her box.
Angry V Executive Team
Once upon a time, right about now, there is a legendary hero and her name is Angry Vagina. Like any self-respecting and noble Cave of Wonders, Angry V has always done her part to inspire cravings for salt, stockpile jewelry, and hide money. But it was never enough.
Why am I really here? She wonders, stroking herself thoughtfully.
Let me tell you a tale of a close friend of mine named Angry Vagina. One sexually frustrated day, she decides to join a mobile dating app against her better judgment. Dared to participate by a Penis Custodian friend of hers (technically not bangable because of “nobody’s fucking business”) she is unable to resist the challenge and so opens herself widely and blissfully to the possibilities.
Guys, lets face the cold hard truth: nobody gives a shit about you. Specifically, your purple-headed warrior and other dangly things. In fact, the ‘Y’ chromosome itself garners plenty of ridicule from credible sources. Unbeknownst to you, women laugh at your curious cucumber every day. And it’s wrong. Totally wrong. And unfair. You and your petrified slinky deserve better.