(Click for Original Article as featured in THE HUFFINGTON POST)

“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they will inherit the Shaft.” (Angry Vagina Psalm: 11-33.)

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Dear Priestess of the Blessed Vagina,

As you know, we have a fuzzy supernatural being in our lives. She excretes Holy Wine, begs you for Carbs of Christ, and commands you to perform penance for wrongdoings by giving her “Hail Vagina” massages. Such is the nature of the Holy One, known to Thee as Angry V.

A legendary warrior priestess, not unlike Joan of Arc, it is written that Angry Vagina and her meaty flaps are dedicated to the ritual game we call “Filling the Void”. This oftentimes entails the capture of individuals known as “Penis Custodians” for Void-filling assistance. An ancient practice spanning millennia, locating, beating, and finally enslaving these rare Penis Shamans into Angry V’s Fight Club has been a slippery and rhythmic struggle.

 
 

But hurrah! Modernity provides options that our foremothers lacked. And luckily for one Angry Vagina on her Divine Quest, mobile dating apps now enable her to shop for these DNA Dispensers while buying lint rollers on Amazon.com.

Yet. Despite high-tech assistance, Angry V finds Herself continuing to wander the exotic land of NoFukLuck. As a result, our mythical guru is downright feisty. She is now ready to sacrifice several unsuspecting shaft-owners out of spite in the spirit of Ceremony. Because why not. But first, she must follow the sacred dating app rules per below to properly Enslave the Bangable.

~ Mobile Dating Commandments ~

1) Maintain Thine Own Spooge-Worthy Profile with “Rose-Goldie” the iPhone. Note That Dating Police Censor All Naked Images and Will Force Thee to Atone.

2) When Thou Doth Witness a Vile Shaft of Repugnancy, “Swipe Left” to Exorcise the Beast in the Name of Bangability. Thou is Now Safe from His Evil Demon Seed.

3) Alternatively! If Blessed Dispenser of Divinity Presents Himself to Thee, “Swipe Right” to Spread Unto Him The Holy Word of Angry V.

4) When Peen of Virtue Enters Thy “Match” Queue Eden, Practice Purity Like Thy Virgin Mary. Wait Until VIP-enis Nearly Expires by Exploiting Thy Passivity.

5) Noble Shaft May Now Impregnate Thee with His Daily “Extend”. For 24 Hours Time, Be Unavailable (Or At Least, Pretend). At Final Hour, Holy Text Communion Shall Begin, When Thou Must Sent Thy Unconcerned Emoji Unto Him.

6) Once the Broken Shaft Priest of Sacred Masculinity Hath Entered Thy Purgatory, He Must Be Proven Worthy. Ritual Torture for The Anointed is Therefore Mandatory. Only Then Shall He Ascend to Oneness in the Rib of Angry V.

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And so behold! We witness the next step of Angry Vagina’s glorious Phallus Crusade as she reviews her “Matched” Penis Custodians (aka “Dummies”) with irritation . . .

(Grimaces.) Matched Dummies are not that cute. Unqualified to be Honored Vulva Technicians . . .

Chanting a prayer, Angry V purges her Dummie list like a Holy Inquisitor.

Hail Vagina, full of distaste

Angry V is with Thee.

Might as well be among women

Blessed is thy liquor cabinet,

Jesus Christ . . .

Amen.”

(Several hours later, Angry V meditates on the Purification.) Twelve Dummies-and-counting have been sacrificed with no Emoji Initiation into Penis Priesthood. It’s fun to watch lonely Shafts wonder why no shits are given . . . >Cackles<

Pausing to remember the Sacred Feminine, Angry Vagina now takes the high road and decides to torture the few surviving Dummies. A ritual emoji is thusly sent to “FuckBoy Dummie”, who is an avowed ladyfoot connoisseur per his profile.

 
 
 
 
 
 

In a blaze of boredom, Angry V extinguishes “FuckBoy Dummie” and moves on to “Cat Dad Dummie”, who appears to be the smartest of the lot. Sends him a mysterious hieroglyphic.

 
 

“Cat Dad” is caught in Angry Vagina’s Inferno, mostly because she’s “Cat Mom of the Year”. For the first time, Angry V finds herself excited.

Is he the purrrfect litter for my tiny tight litterbox?

Passionate cat pics are exchanged. Angry Vagina suddenly feels a dreaded thing called “hope” creep upon her like a dog to a fire hydrant. Now suspicious, she turns to consult her holy offspring “Kitteh”, Hallowed Be His Name, for advice. In reply, Kitteh takes a break from licking his own butthole. A bad omen.

“Good point Kitteh. Protocol for online spying will commence shortly.”

(Locates Cat Dad on all social media accounts.) >Cackles< Found Dummie too easily. I should work for the CIA.

(Angry V freezes. A damning video of Cat Dad is revealed. All romantic hope is lost as revulsion descends upon Her.) Cat Dad is leader of Sodom and Gomorrah! Filmed himself on Evil Shitter Throne . . . Hedonist cat babies squirm in tighty whities around ankles. Cat Dad’s hateful toenails are painted . . . vibrant colors? Yes! Biggest toe claw is like . . . vile black pickaxe. (Shudders. Angry Vagina suspects demonic possession is afoot.)

The Power of Angry V Compels Thee!

Trembling, Angry Vagina reads Angry V Psalm: 66-99 for guidance.

“If Thy mushroom-head owner falls from Grace like shriveled Lucifer before he reaches Thine Burning Bush, exorcise him from ‘Match’ queue Eden.”

Angry V obeys and quickly destroys the Demon Shaft. Deflation sets in. “Rose-Goldie” the iPhone is nearly tossed into Holy Toilet Bowl Water. But then -

There’s one more worthless Custodian waiting for extermination . . . yet this final Shaft is actually the best looking. What if he has a pretty mushroom-head to match his other head?

Angry Vagina half-heartedly initiates the Emoji Ceremony. With no energy to wage mental warfare with Custodian, Angry V feebly tries to confound him anyway. Custodian counters by asking Angry V what she’s working on. Putting her Voodoo Doll aside, She replies.

 
 

Shortly thereafter, Angry V accepts Custodian’s invitation and then reflects.

Mr. Shaft Incarnate hopes to convince Thee he is bangable in person. Plans to buy Thee some Blood of Christ. He knoweth not the Blood of Angry Vagina. But soon . . . >Cackles<

(A date is scheduled for the following weekend.)

Custodian, I hereby anoint Thee “Ultimate Dummie”. See you soon Mr. Shaft. . .

To be continued. Maybe.

 

~~~

(Angry V "Fight Club" and "Biblical" Image Credits: Stan Mchale) 

 

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