Click for Original Article in WEEKLY HUMORIST (Formerly NATIONAL LAMPOON)

Click for Original Article in THE HUFFINGTON POST

 

PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED "PENIS CUSTODIANS":

Dear Mr. DNA Dispenser,

Due to Angry-Lonely-Penis backlash to previous entries on "The Adventures of Angry Vagina", Angry V is compelled to remind you that she will not be contained. She gives no shits about 'fitting inside your box'.

Go fit yourself in her box.

Namaste,
Angry V Executive Team

~~~

Without further ado, welcome back to the Adventures of Angry Vagina! For clarity about Angry V's reason for existing, please observe the following scientific report:

Mission: Enslave Penis Custodians
How: Dating app on iPhone
Why: Obtain world 'piece' to fill deep void
Status: Angry. Yet pleased. But still angry.
Summary: Get ready . . .

Phase 1: Dating App Purgatory

One fine day, Angry Vagina initiates Phase 1 of the penis search by entering the CyberLand of Shaft. Here she sifts through profiles of mushroom-head owners to see if they are bangable. Hours later after incessant screen rubbing to no avail, tragedy unfolds when "Rose-Goldie" the iPhone initiates shutdown mode known as "Blue Batteries". Penis Custodian fuckability assessments are put on hold.

In the meantime, Angry V considers aborting the mission and humbly wonders if making love to a cactus would lift her spirits. In the end, like Braveheart, she perseveres with the dating app as planned.

Phase 2: Dating App Illuminati

Hopeful as ever in Phase 2, Angry Vagina uploads sexy pics to her profile for better visibility. Pleased with Herself, she trudges with new purpose through the mobile Penis Desert counting grains of sand. In a twist of fate, she soon discovers that her images have been violently persecuted by the dating Illuminati for being too good-looking. She is now forced to outwit the system with boner-inducing headshots alone.

Phase 3: Dating App Dummies - Present Day

Like a great and ancient chieftain, battle-worn but strong, Angry V now ascends to Phase 3 searching for the Grail - or at least, phallus providers who make her even remotely enthusiastic. A tall order.

Notes and Procedures:

New side mission: Angry Vagina now intends to break and dominate the aforesaid mobile dating app just as she hopes to do with new penises. It truly inspires her best self, reminding her that no, she must never settle. That would let the terrorists win . . .

To fight for our freedom, Angry V must stockpile new competitive phallus providers for the sake of penis-capitalism. For those who wish to join or witness the sacred crusade, please observe the rules as follows.

1) Abstain from inserting naked pics of Self on profile. Even if Self is better looking than everybody else.

2) Abstain from using pics of Self performing gestures that upset corrupt dating app police. Like smiles. Or severed arms and hand gestures deemed offensive by the authorities.

3) Observe feed of Penis Custodian profiles. Make sure all deficient DNA Dispensers never implant demon seed in Self. Swipe "Left" to ensure this.

4) If good-looking Penis Custodian profile rises up like boner, softly stroke swipe "Right".

5) Whip out fangs like Spider. Continue . . .

Now we delve once again into Angry Vagina's innermost thoughts as she marches forth through the trenches in search of the Illusive Shaft.

(Opens app. Slits eyes at screen like a hawk to field mice.)

Would I bang that guy? No. (Swipes left)
Would I bang that guy? No. (Swipes left)
Would I bang that guy? No. (Swipes left)

(Catches Self. Remembers to apply more consideration to compulsive swiping. Initiates romantic analysis as follows.)

Sales guy. Not selling himself with pics. Doomed for sex failure. And financial failure. (Swipes left)

Snaggletooth guy. Clitoris afraid. Freak accident likely. (Swipes left)

Yay! Close-up skin shot. Always wanted to see a guy squirt . . . from his pimple. (Swipes left)

(Unusual and alarming image of new prospect then appears and confounds Angry V.)

 
 

Incessant rubbing of Rose-Goldie has backfired. (She laments.)

(Quotes Mufasa from Lion KingEverything the light touches is my kingdom . . .

(Adjusts "Match" radius.) Like intelligent Romans, now expanding kingdom from 30 to 100 miles.

(New Penis Custodians materialize.)

Image of guy with intelligent cat. Cat looks angry. Red flag. (Swipes left)

Ooooh! Guy with taco in mouth. You have my attention. (Swipes right)

5' 7"? 'Nuff said. (Swipes left)

(All of a sudden Angry Vagina receives a blazing match notification. Cheerfully, she navigates to see who is first to be tortured.)

"So . . . what kind of batshittery brings you here? ;-)"

(Banter ensues.)

New Dummie is on hook. (Angry Vagina strokes Herself. Is pleased.)

He's trying to compliment me. How quaint. (Continues to play with Dummie's emotions. Ultimately declines him within a few minutes.)

Ego boner throbbing. Loves power over Penis Custodians. (Angry V nearly climaxes.)

This is the essence of Tantra. (Stops to luxuriate.) Must hold energy within orange chakra for ultimate payoff later.

(Few hours later. Many more matches are added to queue. Remembering the first short-lived exhilaration, Angry Vagina postpones outreach knowing she has 24 hours to make all Penis Custodians wonder if anyone cares about them.)

Oh look. My 24 hours is about to expire with Second Guy. He must wonder if he is an accidental Right-Swipe. >Cackles<

(Suddenly receives a new notification. Second Guy has pulled a wild card and used his one daily "Extend" to give Angry V another 24 hours to communicate before she disappears from him forever. Struck with an epiphany, Angry Vagina moves to exploit her newfound superpower. Commits to waiting out every Penis Custodian to see which ones use their "Extends" on her.)

(Another notification.) Gotcha! Another mouse in trap . . . (Dummie #3 offers her "Extends" as well.)

Stroking Rose-Goldie like a magical clitoris, Angry Vagina's meaty tentacles twiddle the screen. Abandoning Dummie #3 for now and giving Dummie #2 his first piece of Intermittent Reinforcement, she inserts a "hi" bumble bee emoji into the chat window, indicating the least amount of effort possible.

 
IMG_0375.jpg
 

Waiting like a tarantula, Angry V prepares for new mind fuckery procedures to commence immediately.

Report Conclusion:

To be continued . . .

 

~~~

(Angry V "Swipes of Fortune" Image Credit: Stan Mchale) 

 

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