Click for Original Article in WEEKLY HUMORIST (Formerly NATIONAL LAMPOON)

Click for Original Article in THE HUFFINGTON POST

 

~ DEAR VAGINA SOLDIER ~

Eager to earn your dignity as an honored Cum Dumpster?
Ready to be made-love-to like a defenseless tube sock?
Terrified your days of being dick-smacked in the face are. . .
Over?
Then Welcome, Vagina Vigilante, to the War on Penis Terror!

For the sake of World “Piece,” Your Commander-in-Chieftess “Angry Vagina” will conquer every worthy Flagpole and needs Your help. All Vagina Soldiers are drafted forthwith. We must track down Osama bin Large-One before it’s too late.

All strange, hairy, and simple Penis-wielding Refugees are now targeted. Any of them may harbor the map to the Illusive Shaft. Prepare for action as we download their Underground Railroad known as “The Shitty Dating App” with deadly iPhone technology. Intelligence suggests that our main target, the Penis Terror Leader, wears a rubber turban if he hides in someone else’s cave.

*Note: Each Recruit will brandish her own fuzzy weapon as we cross enemy lines to enslave the Ring Leaders of the Shaft Resistance. If their Uprising is pleasing to us, we will mount an attack on their forces.

#FuckTheirTroops

~~~

STATE OF THE UNION

The War on Penis Terror is upon us. We will not go gentle into that good night.

 
 

THE STAKES

The stakes are high. The stakes are long. The stakes are, with any luck, also thick.

THE CAMPAIGN

Enemy Combatants known as “Penis Custodians” will be enslaved in the Battle of Some Guy’s Bulge. The Revolution will be violent, but it won’t be bloody.

AMENDMENT

Actually, it will be bloody. But only for 7 days each month. Otherwise, we’re good.

BATTLE OPERATIONS

(Day 1: 1200 hours) THE DEPARTMENT OF BONELAND INSECURITY – CHECKLIST

 
 

1) Upload bangable pics of Self to double-agent profile on iPhone; lure Penis Custodian enemies into Battle Trap.

2) Resist inserting naked pics of Self on profile. Rogue tactics against Enemy Combatants are deleted by Dating App Administrators. Because they hate America.

3) Examine profiles of Penis Terror Suspects from iPhone. Submit Unbangable Civilian Shaft Soldiers for Mercy Killings by “Swiping Left”.

4) Funnel all good-looking Penis Terror Contenders into Prisoner-of-War Camp by “Swiping Right”. Enemy Mushroom Head Owners will appear in “Match” queue jail cells.

5) Detain Prisoners in solitary “Match” confinement for nearly 2400 hours. Finally send emoji as sustenance to small fraction of terrorist population per Mission Stockholm Syndrome.

6) Execute other Shafts like dead sand crabs on the shores of Fukushima – excess emoji handouts feed the Welfare State. Only strategic Shaft Inflation will end the National Penis Debt.

7) Advance Sole Survivor to Interrogation Room. Apply Sensory Bombardment and Deprivation via text message until a date is set. Defer to Online Sniper protocol below.

 
 

(Day 7: 1500 hours) SPYING ON OSAMA BIN LARGE-ONE

The precipice of Victory is near. “The Ultimate Dummie,” a Penis Terror Lead Suspect, has been trapped. 7 days hence, Mission “Dinner Date” will launch.

(Nervously, President Angry V deliberates.) But why is Terror Suspect on a “business trip” until Saturday?

Unsure, Angry Vagina consults her Vice President via text message.

“NonGay Wife, Ultimate Dummie’s Instagram is locked with only one profile pic. Sideburns and pornstache confuse Lady Boner. The Department of the Slippery Interior thinks he’s a furry gay escort. Or worse: short. Request access from your account to see if Clam Hammer is stupid enough to accept. Angry V must remain anonymous to protect America. Over and Out.”

 
 

(Not long after, NonGay Wife sends update.) “Angry V do you Copy. Dummie accepted! But he’s requesting access to my private account.”

(Angry V) “HAHAHA! 10-4. Ignore all pleas from ‘Fuckmonster, Status: Unknown.’ The Vagina Alliance must remain hidden. Screen capture the shit out of his profile. Go!!!!!!!!”

(NonGay Wife) “Roger That.”

Several minutes pass. NonGay Wife finds only a few suspicious images.

(Angry V) “Special Forces might cancel Ambush date with Suspect. It’s a trap. Better off capturing organic wild-caught Shafts. GMO Penis Farm on iPhone is contaminated.”

(NonGay Wife) “Woman. He’s cute AND your type! He seems sweet-”

(Angry V reclines in Ovarian Office twirling her pubic hair.) “Monitor the Whore Monger’s activity. Track all skanky hoe pics he ‘likes’ and follows. Vagina Soldiers will trace Instagram fuckery with Big Sister Surveillance. Heil Vagina.”

(NonGay Wife) “Heil Vagina!”

(Night 14: 1955 hours) THE MILITARY INDUSTRIAL PENIS

 
 

A week later. Angry Vagina sits in her car waiting for Ultimate Dummie when a truck that looks like it has been sodomized by a Transformer hurries into a vacant space. The driver is not Optimus Prime – it’s The Terrorist.

(Angry V reminds herself.) Must not negotiate with Penis Terrorists. They will detonate and squirt their bombs on all Vagina Soldiers when convenient.

Five minutes later, a very good-looking Shaft smiles at Angry V in Restaurant. Lady Boner smiles back. Offers full-body “Hug Bait” to Ultimate Dummie. Respectfully dry humps him only a little. Ample muscles are identified. Yet more tests are needed for Flagpole assessment.

Seated at Booth, Eyelash-Batting and Boobie-Bouncing are administered. Suspect quickly cracks under pressure and immediately confesses occupation, identifying himself as a True Penis Terrorist.

(Angry V to Lady Boner.) Enemy Combatant works for the United States of Shaft? Lethal Weapon Penis is an elite member of THE MILITARY!

(Has epiphany.) Aha! The Enemy is ‘Within’ all along! He is Inside. Yet Outside. But Inside. Then Outside. In. Out. In. Out. In . . .

(Appraises new data.) Military Industrial Penis admits to dropping his loads on other Shafts overseas. Wears cute outfit and uses planes to better spray his penis projectiles. Marks territory like proud puppy wearing a sweater. Typical.

Moving on to the next wave of Interrogation, Angry V discusses politics. Ultimate Dummie is deemed a “Conservative”.

If Mr. Shaft is hung like an elephant’s trunk, he can be the new mascot for the GOP-enis. Then Saggy Mammoth Party can recover integrity—

Without warning, Dummie plays a Second Amendment rap video on YouTube performed by a pasty bald Shaft Owner.

(Angry V to frightened Lady Boner.) Hush little Baby don’t say a word . . . Momma’s gonna find you a big black dick-pic . . .

Two hours of conversation pass. Defenseless Dummie is beaten into submission. Trying to regain control, Shaft Combatant feigns interest in late-night Cross-Examination. It is, of course, a trap.

Predictable. Terrorist hopes to impale me with his weapon.

Yes. If Mission-Impossible-Penis invades the Sanctuary now, the Terrorists win.

No. Must murder Enemy slowly and seductively like a Lady. One unsolicited opinion at a time.

Though frisky, Angry V invites Ultimate Dummie for dinner at her place a week later.

Must tame Terrorist with food coma. Only conquered Flagpole will remain. Like Stonehenge.

(Day 21: 1200 hours) DOUBLE-AGENT LADY BONER

A week later. Angry Vagina has grown dangerously frisky. Kegel training in the gym is applied. Next, punching bag “Mr. Purple Toy” is repeatedly abused. To no avail.

Then, in a blaze of treason, Lady Boner goes rogue and begins texting Dummie a pic of Angry V torturing “Mr. Purple Toy”.

Treacherous Lady Boner! We must—protect—The Promised Land—

A fight ensues. Angry V overcomes Lady B and confiscates iPhone. Re-writes text and sends Dummie a link to “Enya’s Greatest Hits” on YouTube with a wink emoji instead. 😉

(An ALERT is raised to a diverse Vagina Alliance.) “SECURITY BREACH!!! DEFCON 1: SANCTUARY INVASION IMMINENT.”

 
 

(Transmission to Angry V’s Warship Armada of strategically good-looking Vagina Soldiers.) “Intelligence compromised at the Department of Vagina Defense. We’re going down by the head! Like Skynet, Double Agent Lady Boner has become self-aware and undermined Operations. Target Terrorist Dummie on Instagram. Post duck face selfies to lure him from hiding. FIRE AT WILL!!!

(Suddenly, Dummie texts Angry V.) “Still good for tonight at 6? 😉 ”

(Angry V) UmMMMmmmm acTUALYYyYyY—-

(Angry V Lady Boner to Dummie.) “Heyyyyyyy. Come on over 😃 ”

 

~~~

(Angry V Images by Stan Mchale)

 

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